Is Having No Friends that Bad

MsRiss7383 · #1 11-02-2009, 11:14 AM

Hi All,
My husband and I don't have any friends. I mean this literally-not ONE. We have our families who live in the area who we see occasionally for dinner or around the holidays, but that is it. I just don't know if friends would fit into our lives. I work Mon-Friday from 7:30 am-6:30ish pm. Then I go home, go the gym, eat dinner and by then it is 8:30 at night and I just want to hang out with my husband. On Saturdays I usually get up early, go to the gym and then my husband and I look forward to spending the day alone with each other. Sunday, we usually have to run errands, clean, I usually go into work for a bit (I have to) and then we look forward to a relaxing Sunday night together. I know that my routine isn't set in stone, but I don't really feel the need to have anyone else in my life. My life is stressful and I just don't feel like I have much to give to anyone else in terms of friendship. What do you all think-is having friends something that is inherently good?

nienne · #2 11-02-2009, 12:20 PM

I think having friends is a good thing. This may not be true of you, but the majority of people are happier when they have a few good interpersonal relationships with others. It's good to have more than one person you can count on if you're in a jam. Did you have friends before you got married? What happened to them?

I've had some of my friends since childhood, and I've added a couple along the way. I know I can count on these people come hell or high water.

If you were really as content with the situation as you say, I don't think you would have asked the question. Maybe some part of you would like to develop a friendship with someone.

NeverSatisfied · #3 11-02-2009, 12:38 PM

Yes - true, genuine friends are great. It sounds like you and your husband have a great relationship, a great friendship, which is probably why you feel as though you don't need others. I don't think there's anything wrong with that, but to be objective I'll add that you may want to open yourself up to the possibility of meeting a few cool people to do things with from time to time.

I'll admit that I say that realizing that I have no friends in my current city of residence. I no longer have a desire to make new friends. And yes, it's very lonely. I long for my real friends. I'd desperate to find a job closer to my friends and family.

I'm also curious as to what happened to any previous friends you had?

MsRiss7383 · #4 11-02-2009, 01:06 PM

I never really had friends in college. I had acquaintances who I would "party" with and people at work who I would grab some lunch with or occasionally have a drink with, but no true friends. These people are all scattered throughout the country now and I don't really think that I would have anything in common with them if they were here. I know there are things like meetup, etc. but it sounds like a lot of effort that really doesn't interest me. I just worry that since everyone else seems to put such an emphasis on friendships, that there is something wrong with me for not wanting friends as a part of my life.

NeverSatisfied · #5 11-02-2009, 02:34 PM

I don't think there's anything wrong with you. Different strokes for different folks - it doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you or those who are extra social. If you're happy with your life, that should be all that matters. Have you discussed this with your husband? What does he think?

sondra_finchley · #6 11-02-2009, 02:39 PM

We are in pretty much the same boat over here. I think a large part of the problem is a significant misfit between the type of town we are in and where we want to be. We are both large city people and are in a town of around 250K. Ive felt as though there is a set mindset here that, despite what you would think otherwise, can tend to be rather provincial. If we had kids and were over 37, then maybe this would be a great place, but since I dont have kids and prefer hustle and bustle, this just isnt gonna do it.

Most of the time we are ok with not having friends here but there are some days when I feel so isolated, lonely, and missing even a bit of social whirl. Ive never been one to have a large group of friends, but even just having one good girlfriend here would be nice. All of our friends live in different cities or countries, and when we visit a large cluster of them and there are all the casual get togethers or the all night parties, it makes me detest our current situation even more.

FishOutOfWater · #7 11-02-2009, 02:55 PM

I don't think having friends is a requirement, especially since it sounds like you have such a close relationship with your husband and that you spend a lot of time together. I know my dad is very content not having friendships outside of the office. He spends most of his free time doing things with his SO, their kids, and their respective extended families. He considers his family to be his friends and is happy that way.

I like having friends to break up the routine and as an outlet for outside activities. I also have a SO who works long hours and has local classmate friends outside of me (I'm often not invited to their activities, since they're often "singles nights" kinda deals), so I really need to have outside friendships. Since I have a few close friends from the high school and college years, I'm reasonably ok having casual friends and acquaintances in the area to hang out with rather than really close friends, but if I have no one at all who's relatively local I get lonely. Since I've lived in now 5 cities in 5 years this has been a problem for me, and I do struggle with loneliness fairly frequently. I make an effort to visit at least one good friend every few months (I have a few who live 1 1/2 to 2 hrs away and a couple in my hometown when I go back to visit family), but the time in-between can be hard.

That said, everyone has different needs... although, like someone else said, if asking the question, I wonder if there might be a small bit of discontent.

Ed0214 · #8 11-02-2009, 10:48 PM

Most importantly, you have each other. Be each other's friend, isn't that part of being married?

I'm single, no significant other, no friends within 50 miles of here. Well I have friends that are married, but they have no time for a single guy like me other than maybe a 45 minute happy hour twice a year. Or when they want my help or to borrow something I own.

I am almost desperate for a good local friend. Very hard to find in one's late 20s.

wordsmith · #9 11-03-2009, 09:51 AM

Having a social life is an important thing, but that does mean different things to different people. For people who are homebodies and enjoy solitary pursuits (or couple-ish pursuits) in their leisure time, having social contact at work may be enough to prevent them from feeling isolated; others will be pretty unhappy if they don't have people to spend leisure time with. It really depends on your needs.

My SO and I are in the position where we're transplants where we live. Our closest family (mine) is about 500 miles away, and everyone we grew up with and went to school and worked with earlier in life is at least that far away, typically further. We both have loads of friends/friendly acquaintances at our respective jobs, and sometimes socialize with those people outside of work (my coworkers in particular do occasional social gettogethers), but it's been a real challenge finding "couple" friends. We seem to find a lot of situations where one of us will really connect with somebody (usually a coworker), and we'll set up going out to dinner with them and their spouse or SO...and the spouse/SO will turn out to be a dud. It's amazing how often it happens that we'll really enjoy one half of the couple, and the other half is for whatever reason either borderline unbearable, or awkward, or doesn't wanna be there, or is rude, or whatever. It's always so bizarre to me when somebody awesome is paired up with somebody...not. In the cases where we've clicked with both parties in the couple and they us, what's typically happened is that they end up splitting up. We found a couple that we totally identified with, and had fun with both parties, had lots of mutual interests, etc., and right as we were really starting to become regular pals, they began divorce proceedings. Totally floored us, because whatever their troubles were, they put on a good social face. It was pretty shocking.

We do hang out with people who are single, and each individually hang out with people, as well, but since we do a lot of our socializing together, it's nice to incorporate other couples. If it's hard to find individuals with which you've got a ton of common ground, it's even harder to find couples, though. More personalities complicates the mix. And moving someplace new/starting over is always a challenge.

gemma-dahl · #10 11-03-2009, 04:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MsRiss7383

What do you all think-is having friends something that is inherently good?

Casual friends work better for me; I have no "close friends" in my life, either. My job, partner, and other interests take up much of my time, and I'm not looking for deeper friendships right now. I've joined social networking sites, but have never felt like "clicking" with people when they've invited me. A few years ago, I was involved on a message board local to my area, and tried to orchestrate get-togethers, but the message board was for hipsters, and I wasn't in on the "in crowd," so socializing there didn't work out (plus people were lame - like didn't even bother to tell me they were canceling on me or whatever).

I have great work friends, too, and I have a blast with them. We do confide in each other, so maybe they ARE close friends! I have no idea what the definition is, anymore!

Quote:

Originally Posted by wordsmith

it's been a real challenge finding "couple" friends. We seem to find a lot of situations where one of us will really connect with somebody (usually a coworker), and we'll set up going out to dinner with them and their spouse or SO...and the spouse/SO will turn out to be a dud. It's amazing how often it happens that we'll really enjoy one half of the couple, and the other half is for whatever reason either borderline unbearable, or awkward, or doesn't wanna be there, or is rude, or whatever.

We personally don't like hanging out with couples. Dunno why; we just think singles are more fun. We don't really do dinner dates or moves or anything like that, and most couples I have met have certain limitations as a result of kids, early bedtimes, or things one member isn't willing to do. Most of our male casual friends are single (not happy about it, mind you, but single). They are more willing to engage in the types of things we find fun. I hope no one is offended by what I said...but again, we both live like it's college again (eating cereal for dinner, and all), so certain things work better for us than others.

PosterNutbag · #11 11-03-2009, 05:29 PM

I think the older you get the harder it can be to make real friends. Once you leave high school, college, grad school, you aren't in that social environment anymore or at least in an environment where everyone is pretty much in the same boat as you.

I felt like when I left undergrad that was gonna be my last chance at much of a social life. Turns out that 3 years after graduation that I do a lot of stuff on my own. I have drifted away from all of my high school friends for one reason or another...I was kinda a loner in college so didn't really make many friends so I'm back to square one. I have gotten used to it, but it DOES get lonely for sure.

Also if you are a single person without friends already then it makes it so much harder to find anyone (as a friend, aquaintenance, gf/bf). So many people are paired up these days especially from 22 to 30 that you will be passed on regardless of how chill u are simply b/c you are by yourself or you arent coupled up with someone. IT automatically makes you a misfit or looked at as if something could or must be wrong with you. I am trying to prepare for a full life of nothing but me...it's gonna be hard but essentially we are all alone as we go through this world/life. I am prepared for a long lonely boring life but I just have to remember that this life is temporary and one day I will be old and won't remember most of it....

PosterNutbag · #12 11-03-2009, 05:49 PM

Guess i didn't really answer the OP's question with my first post. Sorry.

I do think it is important to have relationships with people. Not necessarily friendships, but just people with whom you can contact via phone or email or through your work. Of course the need for social interaction varies from person to person but I believe that no man is an island and should be worthy of some relationships in this lifetime.

Have some relations with people and see which ones are worthy of or seem interested in establishing a genuine friendship. I keep most people at a distance simply b/c I don't trust people easily. I have also come to find that in these modern times that there are an awful lot of SUPERFICIAL people out there...I would rather be alone than have fake friendships or have relations with people that are materialistic and just care about "keeping up with the jones" so to speak.

winneythepooh7 · #13 11-03-2009, 06:49 PM

Honestly, between working F/T and raising my son F/T, going out to meet new people is the last thing on my mind. My husband thinks I am weird because he has a large circle of friends who have been in his life since he was a boy, but honestly, most of them I personally would have kicked to the curb YEARS ago with the way some of them act. I am pretty content with the way things are right now.

ebruening · #14 11-03-2009, 07:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sondra_finchley

Most of the time we are ok with not having friends here but there are some days when I feel so isolated, lonely, and missing even a bit of social whirl. Ive never been one to have a large group of friends, but even just having one good girlfriend here would be nice.

I agree, I'm at this point, too. Most of the time, my husband and I are just fine hanging out with each other. However, all of his friends are guys, and I'm not really interested in being super-great friends with his buddies' wives. I'd love to have a close girlfriend, but I really don't know how to go about doing that - or, more importantly, finding the time to do so.

ebruening · #15 11-03-2009, 07:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by gemma-dahl

We personally don't like hanging out with couples. Dunno why; we just think singles are more fun. We don't really do dinner dates or moves or anything like that, and most couples I have met have certain limitations as a result of kids, early bedtimes, or things one member isn't willing to do. Most of our male casual friends are single (not happy about it, mind you, but single). They are more willing to engage in the types of things we find fun. I hope no one is offended by what I said...but again, we both live like it's college again (eating cereal for dinner, and all), so certain things work better for us than others.

Sounds like one of my husband's friends who is my favorite person to have over on a Saturday night - he is totally chill with whatever we're already doing.