should I stay or should I go?

[Echo]

It's been a week now since I started my new job and already I'm getting cold feet about it.
Basically, my recruitment consultant sent me to a school to work with a 10 year old boy with Down's Syndrome and she mentioned how I'd have to feed him and change his diapers (she made it sound like that would be the worst part of the job, which it so isn't).
Anyway, my consultant misled me into accepting a trial day at the school, as soon as I went there, there were huge expectations on me to take the job. Firstly, I had pressure from my need to do a full-time, long-term job but also there were other pressures. Apparently, the child has had different people for trials to work with him and none of them had accepted the job and that all that change unsettled him, so I felt obliged to take the job just for the sake of the child, which means I took the job on even though it went against all my criteria for a satisfying job.

And the child so severely handicapped that he's got the developmental age of 18 months. He can't talk, he just grunts. He's so unpredictable, that even when you've been good to him, he will turn round and smack you or pinch you really hard. He's done that a few times with me already.

Today, I cried at work, it was that bad. I was in the middle of a lesson with him, telling him to take things out of a box and put them back inside (hardly a lesson at all, pretty basic by 'normal' standards)... and my head was turned around for a second and he grabbed by hair so tightly that it hurt and the other TA had to shout at him several times for him to release his grip. It was all so sudden, so humiliating and I felt like a failure and totally powerless and vulnerable. I then went into the bathroom and locked myself in there for 10 minutes, crying my eyes out. And I told myself 'this is it, I'm leaving, I don't have to put up with this'.

But by the end of the day, I felt much better because the other lady took over seeing that I was quite shaken by the whole thing, and all the other TAs were so lovely and supportive to me that I felt like I'd been placed in the nicest school ever, with the loveliest, close-knit colleagues, and that I couldn't possibly leave just because I was placed with the wrong child. So I changed my mind and decided to stay on.

But I'm back to square one thinking I should leave the job. The reason is that my mood has been so low today, I feel like today's been quite traumatic. The child has been on my mind a lot - like a ghost. When I walked down the street and there were lumberjacks cutting a tree and the sound that the electric saw made sounded just like the boy's outbursts. Every thought I have is of him, how he eats, behaves, walks etc.

I'm feeling quite ill and run-down - I've had to cancel going to a good friend's birthday party - something I was really looking forward to - and tomorrow I feel like I have to cancel going out with another friend because I feel so down. So trapped, so tired.

I also feel anxious and tearful.

Help me out here, what I'm feeling isn't right is it? Is it a sign that I should quit this job?

[Tayl405]

It certainly doesn't sound healthy. I think whenever a job is detrimental to your mental health, you should go. But do you have another job? Will you be ok unemployed? Remember that this is your life and you have to worry about yourself. If you've only been doing this for a brief period and it's already making you ill and depressed, it's probably not the best situation. But please don't put yourself in a worse situation by quitting without something else lined up.

[winneythepooh7]

If you feel like this isn't you, then I would definitely quit now. Not everyone can work with high-needs kids like the boy you describe. It doesn't mean you are a failure.

If the agency does offer a lot of support and training, and you think this is a population you would enjoy working with (even if there are a few bad days here and there like any job), then I would give it at least a couple more weeks--possibly longer-- before you make your decision to leave.

[Echo]

Taylor, I do have day-to-day sub work to fall back on, they usually give me 4 days of work - which is fine seeing as I live at home and have enough money in the bank. But my consultant will be annoyed at me, no doubt.

I'm the kind of person who likes to chat to children, make them laugh and be nice to them in general because it's the most rewarding thing for a child to come up to me and say 'miss, you're really kind/funny/etc and I really like you' or for them to show that with gestures or actions. But with this boy it's not like that. When he's been bad to me, I find it it difficult to carry on being kind to him, and he deserves someone who will be patient, someone who will be positive and be cheerful one minute and firm the next, someone who isn't scared of him. I have never seriously shouted at a child in my life and I find it very out-of-character and not me to be forced to discipline a child who doesn't understand me.

[winneythepooh7]

What about getting a job in a daycare center or after school program if you like kids? If you are resenting working with the child for issues he cannot help at all, it's totally not healthy for him or for you to stay there.

[Minipan]

Originally Posted by winneythepooh7

If you feel like this isn't you, then I would definitely quit now. Not everyone can work with high-needs kids like the boy you describe. It doesn't mean you are a failure.

If the agency does offer a lot of support and training, and you think this is a population you would enjoy working with (even if there are a few bad days here and there like any job), then I would give it at least a couple more weeks--possibly longer-- before you make your decision to leave.

Good advice.

I have a good friend who took a job as an in-classroom assistant for an autistic boy in 3rd grade and she said it absolutely drained her and that she would go home upset, frustrated, and unhappy. She said it made her feel really really guilty that she had such negative feelings around teaching/working with this boy...and that even telling people about her true feelings was hard. In the end she just felt like it wasn't even fair to him that she was his assistant because she mentally wasn't able to handle it. She stuck it out for the school year and then decided to pursue something else.

If working with super high-needs kids is not for you, then it's not for you, but it doesn't mean that you've done something wrong or that you should feel guilty or bad about yourself. It really does take someone with a lot of patience. I know my friend would get frustrated at the lack of progress or improvement and she felt it was hopeless..and then in turn felt horrible for thinking that way. I can totally see how it would be a touch gig.

[wordsmith]

I work for a special school that's geared specifically for students with severe developmental disabilities. Our student body represents a wide range of developmental levels, syndromes and diagnoses, but we absolutely have a great many students who are likely similar to the student to whom you have been assigned, from a developmental and behavioral standpoint. My mom has also worked with this population for about twenty years.

All our teaching is a one-to-one teacher/student ratio, and my first student was a teenager with Down Syndrome. Unlike your student, he is highly verbal, and reasonably high-functioning. My current student is a fifteen-year old with severe autism; he has strong verbal ability, but typically chooses not to speak. His emotional development is in the range of a 2-5 year old...which means that he is incredibly impulsive and routine-dependent, and is prone to the type of kicking, screaming, object-throwing temper tantrums one may see a toddler having, and will cry for his mom a lot when upset. He also has continual high anxiety, and very minor things, such a sudden noise or somebody using a game or toy he wants will trigger a huge tantrum. When one factors in that he's over six feet tall and strong, this behavior is a major detriment to him and those around him in every way.

I mention these specifics to let you know that I'm familiar with specifics of your student's disability, and I'm also experienced with students who exhibit overtly aggressive behavior. I can also vouch for the fact that it's actually surprisingly SUPER emotionally draining to spend your entire day with a student who either can't or won't speak.

My observations are thus:

-Working with this population is either something that is absolutely, unequivocally for you, or something that's absolutely, unequivocally not...and people typically know which way it is in their gut fairly early on.

-If it is NOT the job for you, it's not a good place for you to stay...not only for your own personal satisfaction and mental health, but because it's not fair to the student, either.

It says nothing about your character or abilities if it's not the job for you; it's definitely not a job for everyone...many people find it exhausting, emotionally taxing, frustrating, or just plain uncomfortable, it absolutely is outside a lot of folks' comfort zones. And a lot of people simply do not have the level of patience it takes to hold out for progress on even the most basic, functional things at what is likely to be a very, very incremental pace. Not everyone finds small triumphs to be satisfying, and for many of these children, small triumphs are going to be what their life is largely composed of, and they're not small for them.

That said...even for those of us who DO love the job, it's by no means an EASY job. You seem to be taking your student's behavior personally. I can't emphasize this enough. IT IS NOT PERSONAL. Whether or not this is ultimately the type of work you're best suited to, I hope that maybe you will take some comfort from that reality. You are working with a severely disabled child with incredibly limited means of communication. His development has been incredibly delayed, and he is nonverbal. Lack of ability to communicate in a readily understood way is incredibly frustrating for the person with the disorder. The behavior you are experiencing is an attempt at communcation (as is ALL behavior). All behavior has an antecedent, even though it's not always easy to analyze what that antecedent is. If you can, though, you are more likely to be able to predict and productively respond to the behavior, and even prevent it in the future in some cases. You say that even when you've been good to him, he will hit or pinch. I can't stress it enough, he is not thinking, "Oh, I don't care if she's been nice to me, I want to hurt her." He's trying to tell you something. It might be "I'm tired and bored right now and sorting these objects is beyond what I can do," or "The pitch of your voice hurts my ears every time you open your mouth and I want you to stop talking," or "I'm hungry," or (as with my current student), "I only slept for about two hours last night, and I'm incredibly tired and cranky, and I don't have grasp of the social cues to realize that ripping at your hair isn't appropriate just because I'm in tired and cranky" (much like a baby). Or he could be telling you that he's had so much change and transition and lack of consistency in his schooling situation that he doesn't know or trust you yet. Or God knows what else. But one thing it's NOT is personal. It's just an attempt at communcation using the tools he has at his disposal.

Hope this helps, somewhat, at least as far as beating yourself up.

Trust me, it can be VERY HARD not to take personally, at times. And if you're upset by it all the time, that's probably a cue you won't be happy in the field. But trust me that everyone feels that way SOMEtimes, even people who love the job...sometimes it's hard to just shake it off. If these kids were easy to work with, they wouldn't need special settings. Them being challenging to handle isn't a reflection on you. Ultimately, though, it's very, very rewarding. I'd give it time if you feel you can, but if you find that you aren't finding it rewarding, you'll know that it's just not for you.

P.S. There are better, healthier, and much more effective ways to release a developmentally disabled child's grip on your hair or clothes if they go for either than by yelling at them (yelling may frighten the individual or make him or her panic and grip/pull tighter). We do an extensive behavioral support training and restraining protocol procedural training that covers this stuff and much others, which comes in very handy when dealing with physically aggressive students. Maybe your work could invest in this type of training. Yelling at a student with this type of disability is seldom productive for anybody.

[FishOutOfWater]

I don't have anything new to add, but I've also had several positions working with adults and kids with developmental disabilities. It is a really hard, often thankless job, and if it is not for you I would look for another job. Like others have said, it's not good for your mental health or your student's progress.

It may be that you may even be able to work in the developmental disabilities field, just with other kinds of kids or adults. I love working with mild to severe DDs, but I don't think I could handle working with a child as profoundly severe as the one you describe. I did respite care for two teenage boys who functioned at about the 18 month level, and I hated it. They couldn't walk, so I had to physically help them move everywhere, I had to spoon-feed them food, change diapers (which is hard with a teenage boy who can't move himself), bathe them, and carry them into bed. I really struggled with doing all this labor-intensive work well, and the final straw was when I blew out my back, despite being in great physical health, taking one of them out of the bathtub after his bath. So trust me, you are not the only one who has had struggles with the profoundly DD population!

[Echo]

Thanks so much guys for the replies, you've been very helpful and supportive. And wordsmith, it really is hard not to take things personally when a child hits you for no apparent reason and to carry on doing your job even though you're not getting results as quickly.

I spent all of Friday evening and all of Saturday (yesterday) feeling shocked, depressed and tired as hell and I'm probably being totally perverse and masochistic but I think I'm going to give it another go. It doesn't have to be so black and white - I don't have to make up my mind today. If 2 weeks along the way, I am convinced I should quit, then I will.

And I wonder, wordsmith, if as time goes by I will learn to be less and less affected by his assaults on me - I am after all a very sensitive person.

[winneythepooh7]

I don't work with people who are as severely disabled as the child you describe, but learning to not take things personally IS one of the hardest things I think about working with people, especially in the helping professions. Most of my "hard days" at work happen when I do end up taking a crap-load of stuff, personally. I need to keep reminding myself where the client is coming from and why they are responding the way they are. It very rarely has anything to do with me when I think about it that way. Usually they are just venting their frustrations. Maybe not in the most appropriate manner, but they are still venting. Since I am the person in the line of fire, I usually am the one they are going to take it out on.

[wordsmith]

Originally Posted by Echo

Thanks so much guys for the replies, you've been very helpful and supportive. And wordsmith, it really is hard not to take things personally when a child hits you for no apparent reason and to carry on doing your job even though you're not getting results as quickly.

I spent all of Friday evening and all of Saturday (yesterday) feeling shocked, depressed and tired as hell and I'm probably being totally perverse and masochistic but I think I'm going to give it another go. It doesn't have to be so black and white - I don't have to make up my mind today. If 2 weeks along the way, I am convinced I should quit, then I will.

And I wonder, wordsmith, if as time goes by I will learn to be less and less affected by his assaults on me - I am after all a very sensitive person.

Trust me, I do understand, I'm one of the most sensitive people that most people who know me know. But, yes, believe me, you definitely become less and less fazed by DD individuals' behavior the longer you work with them. You get more and more of a feel for the function of the behavior as you go. You also get accustomed to expecting small, incremental changes and triumphs that add up, and quit expecting huge, dramatic gains.

Again, though, I highly recommend more reading and training on productively working with kids whose behavior is physically aggressive. Read up on the Mandt system, for one thing, and look into different training options for you and your fellow staff. There are better ways to deal with physically aggressive disabled kids that will leave you feeling like you've more beneficially and productively handled the situation, and less upset.